The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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