I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I could fuck to npr.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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