dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
