Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
