So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
