My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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