I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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