I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
