Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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