I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
