Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
