His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
