I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
