The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
