You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
