What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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