oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
