everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
