A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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