I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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