I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
