I got her a Nickelback box set.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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