so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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