I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
