don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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