Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
