So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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