He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
