there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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