You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
