I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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