Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
