Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
