im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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