Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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