and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
