The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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