but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
