i may or may not be watching the land before time
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
