I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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