There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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