the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
