My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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