I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
