Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
