Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
