i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
