Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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