Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
