He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I came so hard my ears popped.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
