8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
