i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
