Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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