I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
