So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
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Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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