She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
