He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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