I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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