Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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