He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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