I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
