The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
